Lost in Translation
by Qyu
Summary: Merlin takes it upon himself to teach Arthur a new language: French. The task is much more daunting than expected, but the rewards are very satisfying... Arthur/Merlin, oh-so-witty banter ensues, ONE-SHOT


_**Disclaimer:**_ I don't own Merlin.

_**Summary:**_ Merlin takes it upon himself to teach Arthur a new language: French. The task is much more daunting than expected, but the rewards prove to be very satisfying... Arthur/Merlin ONE-SHOT

_**Notes:**_ I don't speak French very well, so I mainly used Google Language Tools to help me out. If you see any mistakes in the French segments, please let me know!

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**Lost in Translation**

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It was known throughout the kingdom that King Arthur possessed excellent hair. Honestly. Everyone thought so. The Pendragon lineage was renowned for its royal ancestors, good breeding, and superior genes, which blessed the young king with healthy golden hair, summer sky blue eyes, and flawless tan skin. His hair was a fine blend of thick, soft, and shiny (a masculine kind of shiny, of course). Arthur knew he had a good head of hair and took care of it; however, at the moment, he was tempted to rip out every blonde strand from pure frustration. Merlin – his recently appointed Court Magician – smiled sympathetically, which only irritated the king even more. Because Arthur did not want sympathy – he wanted results. Now.

"Honestly, Merlin, can't you just...cast a spell and make me understand this godforsaken language?!" Arthur demanded. Trying to exploit his title as King as best he could was a bad habit.

"No, that's not what magic is supposed to be used for, Arthur! And come on, learning a new language is fun. French contains a lot of pleasing notes to the ear, you know. You'll have all the ladies swooning at your feet with just a few phrases," Merlin said, his voice enticing.

Arthur rolled his eyes. "They already do. Please don't try to bribe me with women and sex. It's disturbing. And what am I, a pubescent teenager?"

"You're certainly acting like it..." Merlin grumbled.

Arthur shot him a glare and Merlin quickly donned a smile. "Come on, Arthur! We've got three months before the Prince of Meroux arrives, right? We have time to do this the good, old-fashioned way. Just repeat after me: _Comment allez-vous_?"

Arthur huffed, but eventually ground out: "Kommahng tah..lay voo?"

Arthur's blunt and heavy tongue seemed to speak another language entirely. Merlin forced an encouraging smile. "See? You're getting there. That means 'how are you?'"

"Thanks for asking. I'm having a _bloody _bad day because my sorcerer won't give me what I want and bless me with a fluent French tongue," Arthur snipped. "How do you say _that_ in French?"

_He's the king, your destiny, you cannot banish him into another dimension no matter how good it will feel_, Merlin mentally repeated to himself. It was a calming mantra that reminded him of his duties and kept him from using his magic for his own pleasure. Merlin continued.

"In response to _comment allez-vous_, you'll want to say: _Très bien, merci_! Which means 'very well, thank you'."

Arthur's lips tightened, as if his very tongue refused to let out such strange words. "Tray ben, mare see...? Please, Merlin. I'll buy you a new horse and saddle and whatever the hell you want. Please, just _enchant _me!"

Merlin ignored Arthur. A talent that was luckily innate. "And this means 'please.' Repeat after me: _S'il vous plait_."

"Seal voo...play."

Arthur actually jerked away when Merlin let out a cry of triumph. "See? You're getting it! This proves that you're more receptive to learning when you're not being a total prat!"

The blond king had a hard time repressing the laughing smile creeping on his face, but he managed to keep a serious scowl when he said: "Stop being an idiot, Merlin. Seal voo play."

**-o-o-o-**

"Hello, good-bye, good night. _Bonjour, au revoir, bonne nuit_!"

"Bon zhoor, aw vwah, bon nwee."

"I have to admit, Arthur...I'm impressed! You're picking this up a lot faster than I thought you would. And you don't sound like a complete idiot anymore either. I guess knights aren't all brawns and no brains after all."

"Knights are supposed to be superior in all aspects! Which I am. And let me remind you who beat your sorry arse at chess yesterday."

"Hey, I was tired! Drilling French into your thick skull is very exhausting, you know."

"If you just enchant me – "

"_Non_. You know what that means, right?"

"You are such a bastard...I bet you enchanted yourself to speak French, didn't you, _Mer_lin!"

"No, I did not. Just because I was born in a poor village doesn't mean I'm uneducated. Unlike_ you_, I actually stuck with my studies and learned French myself. It's not my fault you bribed your tutors and decided to play with swords instead. And I hope you noticed, but I've a natural gift for learning languages."

"Well, if you can speak that magic mumbo-jumbo nonsense, I'm sure you do."

**-o-o-o-**

"Okay, this is a long one...I'll say it slowly. _Je vous remercie d'être venus. Je suis honoré de vous avoir ici. _That means 'Thank you for coming. I am honored to have you here'."

"Why should I say that? If anything, _they_ should be honored to come to Camelot!"

"Arthur. You're being a prat. Do I have to put you in the time-out corner again?"

"Just tell me how to say 'Sign the goddamn treaty and let's eat' in French."

"I think your...charisma will get lost in translation. Okay, you know what – let's stop with the speaking. You write and read a lot better, so if you ever have trouble understanding them, say: _Est-ce que vous pouvez l'écrire_. That means 'please write it down'."

"No! I'm sick of this, Merlin. They're coming to my country, my kingdom, and my castle. If you come to England, then you better speak bloody English!"

"Oh come off it! They're our _guests_! It's your duty to accommodate them as best you can. And what are you going to do when they start speaking in French and expect an intelligent response, huh?"

"I'll simply say the magic phrase: _Je ne comprends pas. Je suis Anglais._ That means 'I don't understand. I'm English' just in case you didn't know."

Merlin sighed. Arthur was quick and intelligent by all means, but he was also a real smartass. But if he was able to be a smartass in French, that meant he was learning at the very least.

**-o-o-o-**

Dressed in the ridiculous violet and blue robes of the Court Magician, Merlin leaned close to Arthur and whispered, "Lady Cosette is not his fiancée, but he's definitely sleeping with her, so don't pry into the nature of their relationship. She likes poetry and dancing, but turn her down if she asks you to dance with her...Claude is a very jealous man."

"Good. She has the face of an English Sheep dog anyway. Anything I should know about him?" Arthur asked, his lips barely moving.

The king and his sorcerer strode down to the banquet hall where their royal French guests were awaiting them. Servants of both Camelot and Meroux lined the hallway and bowed their heads as the duo passed; however, their eyes flickered up inconspicuously. Ever since King Arthur's coronation, the Pendragon and the sorcerer were rarely seen apart. If not for their contrasting physical features, they could have been mistaken for conjoined twins connected at the hip. Arthur and Merlin's footsteps – even their breathing – were in sync, which was an oddly enchanting sight.

"Prince Claude loves art, especially painting, so showing an interest in that will win you his favor. And he hates any signs of rudeness or arrogance...so just for tonight, don't be yourself." Merlin advised, his smile tipped in every syllable.

"_Très bien_," Arthur smirked. "Just don't embarrass me and trip over those _lovely_ robes I tailored for you."

"I still hate you for making me wear this."

"I know. Consider it a thank-you gift for making me suffer through your lessons."

Instead of keeping up the banter, Merlin smiled quietly. He was honestly proud of Arthur and his ability to get a keen grasp of a new language so quickly. Merlin was also proud that he contributed without the help of magic. And while he would never admit this to Arthur (lest his ego grow to gargantuan proportions), Merlin firmly believed: _Arthur's irresistible when he speaks French. If he asks me to do something and he asks in that damned language, I won't be able to say no._

Merlin did not keep secrets from Arthur anymore these days, but he decided it was best to keep this little one to himself. Arthur, being the prat he is, would surely exploit it otherwise.

"By the way," Arthur said, "one of the French servants said to me: _Vous avez des beaux cheveux._"

Merlin snorted. "That means 'you have beautiful hair'."

"Ah. I'm glad to see good looks translate and are recognized by other cultures. _Tu as des beaux yeux bleus_."

"You have beautiful, blue eyes," Merlin translated, resisting the urge to roll his own eyes. It was obvious many of the French maids and menservants were absolutely smitten with the King of Camelot. Naturally, he was showered with compliments. Arthur's unexpected and adequate command of the French language won many of their hearts and, most importantly, impressed Prince Claude and Lady Cosette. Merlin wished they all knew that _he_ was the one to thank for that.

"_Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir_?"

At this, Merlin stumbled over his robes. A look of shock and indignation (and jealousy, though he would never admit this either) crossed his face. His eyes colored to a storm-ridden ocean. He was two seconds from cursing someone. "T-that means 'Would you like to go to bed with me this evening?'...! I can't believe someone would actually – ! Who had the gall to ask you _that_?!"

"No one," Arthur replied smoothly, smirking in that impossibly sexy way of his. "_I'm_ asking you, _Mer_lin. I did my homework and learned a few phrases on my own, just as you asked. Doesn't that merit some kind of reward...?"

Merlin's jaw hung unhinged and his whole body seemed to have melted from his bones. Before he could gather his wits and give an answer, the banquet doors were pulled open.

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**T.h.e. E.n.d.**

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_**Note: **_I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Please feel free to correct me on the French; I'd be happy to make corrections. And I hope you caught some references hidden in my poorly written story. If anyone has seen the Video Diaries of the Merlin cast, I hope you caught the part when Bradley James (actor who plays Arthur) says, "Je ne comprends pas. Je suis Anglais!" He's incredibly funny in those video diaries, which you can view on YouTube!

And of course, _Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir_? was taken from the song "Lady Marmalade." It fit so perfectly, don't you agree? ;)

Please tell me if you see any other references. ;) Cookies for those who catch them. Please review!


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